so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
