Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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