what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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