I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
