My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
