If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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