i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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