I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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