Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
