can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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