so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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