I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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