My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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