I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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