if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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