the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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