my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
