I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We got so high we made milksteak
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
