someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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