Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
