If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
