Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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