I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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