cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
soo... how was my night?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
