A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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