I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
