actually, I'm a sock model
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
