I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
