Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
