I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
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Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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