Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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