He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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