areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
