It's Friday. Sex?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
