Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
