i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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