i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize