last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
