I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
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My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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