Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
