i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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