Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
