DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
