i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
