literally had 100 drinks last night.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you repeat that, but with context?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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