im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
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