I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i love accidental penises.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
