You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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