dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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