I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
