Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
