so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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