I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
