he thought i was a dude.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
