Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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