Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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